9. The Worst Feeling in the World
" The worst feeling in the world
is trying to hold back a panic
attack in public "
I can personally tell you that the above quote is 100% right. The thing with panic attacks is that they don't give a heads up, they just come full force and there is nothing from stopping them. To make things worst is that the more you hold them in the stronger they get and the worst it feels.
Friday the 27th of July was the end of a very stressful, roller coaster week. It all started Monday with some strange events playing all day long, it continue to Tuesday. Wednesday I was nervous because of a job interview. Thursday was just absolutely crazy and Friday I was told I did not got the job and there was no reason to it. Top all this with stress from closing our house ( previous blog ), things not going a smooth as wanted and then the cherry on top of the cake was moving and getting everything clean.
Later that Friday, talking and getting everything out that was bothering me, hearing her point of view and trying to understand and be supportive, finally accepting that we cannot force people to think they WE think had me mentally and emotionally exhausted. Being on the bridge of crying all afternoon and holding it in, trying to not let the panic set in, trying to be strong and pretend like it did not affected me was the worst feeling all week.
I made it pass for a while but later that night when hanging out with some friends, them being drunk and I being sober I could not shake the feeling of being left out. That is when the attack began and I had one of the worst attacks I've had in a long time. Panic of being where I was mentally, panic of pushing people away, panic of being a drama queen. It was uncontrollable and I lost.
I left for home in a very very bad mental state, getting home and cutting myself, not wanting anything but die. Having a very hard time realizing that Dann is there for me and my attacks affect him as much as they affect me.
Taking ativan might not be best solution, but it was very much needed. Finally I calmed down and fell asleep.
DISCLAIMER : I am not looking for pity I am telling my story as we need to start talking and sharing more about this scary illness.
Mental Health Crisis Line : (709) 737-4668
More about MH : https://cmha.ca/mental-health
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