26. My Invisible Illness


My Invisible Illness

Bell Let's Talk 2019 




Have you ever felt ugly, unmotivated, moody, melodramatic, picky? Well, that complicated feeling/mood has been my mood since the beginning of the year. It is not that I am unhappy because I am not, I am very happy, I have more than I imagined to have at this point in my life and for that, I am very very thankful! I am excited for what this year has in store for me and for the goals I have set my self for 2019. I am very happy with the changes I have made in my life, but despite all of this I still have those days where I feel ugly, unmotivated, moody, melodramatic and picky for no reason at all. 

How to undwind at work: do some coloring during lunch time. I painted this #BellLet'sTalk Mandala during my lunchtime when I was not feeling the greatest or as focused. 

Not having a reason to feel sad (broader feeling for what I have described previously) is the result, the signs, the symptoms of depression. An invisible illness that no one can understand not even those who suffer from it can understand other sufferers. It is just very different from person to person, hard to pinpoint, hard to control, but the one thing that we all have in common is that even if life is great, you have everything and your life looks nothing but perfect from the outside. You are not fine, life is not as easy as it seems. 

I have been putting a lot of effort to take control of my illness, opening to my family letting them in, showing them how it is to live with something intangible has helped so much. Doing this has helped a lot through moments where even though I know I am worth it, I still feel not worth it, anxious that I am a failure. Having their reassurance that this is just in my head, bad thoughts that take over every other thought makes a big difference with my mood and feelings, a good difference. I feel valued, something the illness sometimes (most every time) robs me.





Feeling down and sad does not happen every once in a while (if it did, I would not be writing about it), it happens almost on a daily basis. Well, it used to happen on an almost regular basis until I decided it was enough and went to my doctor to get help. She prescribed medicine, starting from a small dose to find the perfect amount. Medicine has made a HUGE difference in my life, I learned how to detect the bad thoughts that would eventually turn into panic attacks, I learned to take care of my self and that self-care is not selfish, but it is necessary. This moments of sadness still occur every day, but they are now weak, unable to take control of my whole being. 

I learned that a lot of people struggle with this illness in silence, others like to talk about their experiences. Everyone has different ways of handling it, everyone has hard times, easy times, and everyone has a right to express themselves. So however you decide to deal with your mental illness know that you are not alone, I am and will always be struggling but that does not mean I am weak and neither are you. 
So on this day where mental health is brought up, take time for yourself and do something that makes you happy because I will. 

-Andy

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